Caligula

Caligula (Gaius Caligula), reign 37 to 41 A.D.


The name itself has become synonymous with unbridled tyranny, outrageous excess, and plain old fashioned insanity. Caligula has been universally demonized and sensationalized throughout history as a monster of unparalleled depravity. To put it lightly, the dude had some problems.

As a child, Gaius was bestowed the nickname Caligula ("little boot" or "half-boot" in Latin), by Roman soldiers who grew accustomed to seeing him tag along on campaigns with his father, the legendary commander Germanicus.

Upon the death of Tiberius, Caligula shoved aside Tiberius' grandson Gemellus, who was supposed to be co-emperor, and began his short but infamous reign. It started out well enough, with acts of charity, gifts to the people, and a bold announcement of plans to conquer Britannia. The Roman people rejoiced, and were glad to be rid of the unpopular Tiberius. A few months in, however, Caligula was gripped by a serious illness, possibly the result of a nervous breakdown. After that episode, things started going downhill. Caligula became mad with power and demanded to be treated as a living god. The tales of his dementia are well-known; He forced the soldiers gathered for the invasion of Britain to gather seashells on the beach to bring back to Rome as plunder (possibly untrue). He tried to make his favorite race horse a consul. He banged his sisters. He had a bridge of ships constructed so he could ride the horse across the Bay of Baiae. He made senators' wives partake in palace orgies and then sold them off as prostitutes to raise money. Creative methods of fund raising aside, the treasury was heavily depleted during his reign. So naturally there were random arrests and seizures of property based on supposed treason charges. At least victims could count on a a fair trial...or not. Usually the judicial process was a circus. And by that I mean the accused were fed to wild beasts while people watched. At one point when he ran out of "criminals", he ordered the spectators at one of his circuses to be thrown to the lions to satisfy his blood lust.

After three and a half years of this tomfoolery, Caligula had no more friends left in Rome. He was assassinated in a plot led by the commander of the Praetorian Guard, who had been a favorite target for humiliation. He died at the age of 28, younger than his quarterback counterpart:




Michael Vick

There really is only one choice in this comparison. We all know the story of Michael Vick. A legend at Virginia Tech. Possibly the most captivating prospect in NFL history. A career marked initially by spectacular highlights and inconsistency. And a dramatic fall from grace following revelations of his dogfighting activities that sent shockwaves of horror across the nation, reaching many who had never watched an NFL game. Deservedly nor not, it's hard to find an athlete today who conjures up feelings of public outrage quite like Mike Vick. Was he as bad as Caligula? As far as I know, Vick never had homeboys thrown into the ring if he was running out of dogs. Of course, it is impossible to try to compare the respective transgressions of two people who lived in such different eras - it's hard to imagine the average ancient Roman getting worked up over dogfighting when there were actual humans getting disemboweled by lions and tigers for sport on a regular basis.

To be sure, the comparison hinges mainly on the public perception of two demonized figures. The average person will know little about the legacy of Caligula outside of his celebrated insanity, just as Vick's place in the public mind will most likely always be centered on his indiscretions in the world of canine combat. At least Vick is getting a second chance, so he's got that going for him.

Tiberius

Tiberius (Claudius Nero Caesar), reign: 14-37 A.D.


Tiberius was a bit of an enigma. He wasn't the the first choice for emperor, nor the second or third, but all of the successors picked by Augustus kept dying.

Thus it might seem like fate that brought Tiberius to the forefront, but ultimately he didn't get that cised for power. Personality-wise, he was a bit of a debbie downer, moody and dark. His introversion caused him to give his shady advisor Sejanus almost complete power while Tiberius went into seclusion on Capri. With Tiberius cut off from the rest of the empire, Sejanus went on a rampage rooting out supposed traitors with a network of informers.



Tiberius was known to be fairly wise and generous, and his administration ran efficiently. He was also a successful military commander in his earlier days. Unfortunately his legacy is marred by his early retirement and Sejanus' ensuing reign of terror. Shades perhaps, of another capable but QB who dipped early.

Drew Bledsoe

Ol' Drew almost had it all. Blessed with prototypical height and laser-rocket arm, Bledsoe enjoyed multiple productive seasons with the Patriots. But his Achilles heel was his statue-like immobility. Bledsoe was sacked 54 times in '99 with the Patriots, 49 times in '03 with the Bills, 49 times in '05 with the Cowboys, and in his last season, 16 times in 6 games before ignominiously giving way to the Tony Romo era.

After getting drilled by Mo Lewis in a game against the Jets in '01, Bledsoe suffered a concussion, a punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Can't say I really blame the man for walking away at age 34. Drew reportedly has a lot of interests outside of football, and he probably had had enough of eating sack lunches 3 times a week.

Additional Notes:

A sad episode of Tiberius' life was when Augustus forced him to divorce his wife Vipsania, whom he loved with a passion. For political purposes he was made to marry Julia, daughter of Augustus. They hated each other and Julia eventually became notorious for whoring it up around Rome. She was eventually exiled to the island of Pandateria, where she committed suicide.

Augustus

Augustus, birth name Gaius Octavianus, reign: 27 BC to AD 14

When Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times on the Ides of March, 44 A.D., Rome had been a republic for almost five centuries. But already, the old system was on the way out. Caesar's military accomplishments and cult of personality paved the way for transition to an empire, ruled by one man.

Gaius Octavianus, great nephew of Julius Caesar, pretty much had his ticket punched for primetime when he was essentially named as the heir in the Julius Caesar's will. The Caesar name was enough to secure the loyalty of the much of the army. Nevertheless the purple toga wasn't handed to Augustus on a silver platter; he fought a war and triumphed over Marcus Antonius (Mark Antony).

He ultimately proved to be a great leader of men, and also a smart politician. He played the role of the reluctant king; he even announced that he was stepping down from power and made it look like he needed to be persuaded to assume control. By opting to seize power gradually rather than all at once, he was able to appease the aristocracy and stay around long enough to gradually break down the republican system. He was officially crowned as Augustus on January 16, 27 B.C, and would end up being one of the longest ruling emperors, dying peacefully at age 75.

Augustus is inevitably known as the man who officially transformed Rome from a republic to an empire. Which is why his NFL QB counterpart is:


Johnny Unitas

The Golden Arm, headliner of the "Greatest Game Ever Played", Johnny U was the face of NFL as it entered the modern era. He had the old school, tough guy appeal, but didn't lack a flair for the dramatic. The famous 1958 championship game is credited for launching the NFL into the mainstream consciousness. That game was a marketing success because it was a well played, down to the wire thriller that ended with Unitas leading the Colts on a game winning drive in OT.

What if, instead of Johnny U, a '50s version of Jake Delhomme was on the national stage and threw 6 picks in an anticlimactic 31-0 loss in that seminal title game? What if instead of Augustus, Julius Caesar's great nephew turned out to be a weak, corrupt shell of a ruler? We'll never know, and its probably for the best.


Additional notes:

The reign of Augustus was relatively peaceful on the frontiers in the grand scheme of history; no major territories were acquired or lost. However one of the most infamous military disasters in Roman history occurred on his watch: The Battle of Teutoburger Wald in 9 A.D. Three Roman legions, over 20,000 men total, were lured into a trap in the forests of Germania by the treacherous Arminius, a Roman military commander of Germanic origin. There they were ambushed, unable to form ranks in the dense forest, and slaughtered. The prisoners were sacrificed alive in cages to the German gods.

In that same vein, Johnny U was on the losing end of another one of the most famous games in NFL history: Super Bowl III in 1969. As we all know, Joe Namath issued a highly publicized guarantee of a Jets victory over the heavily favored Colts and then went out and pulled it off. Unitas had actually been hurt most of that season, and started the game on the bench, but was put in the game in the second half to try to jumpstart the offense. It didn't work, and the rest is history.

QBs and Roman Emperors

 
So with football season approaching and this being the month of August, I had this idea for a blog mini-series of sorts. In case you didn't know, August is named after Augustus Caesar, the first emperor of Rome; similarly, July is named after Julius Caesar. That got me thinking, what if I did a series of comparisons between NFL quarterbacks and Roman emperors? The more I thought about it, I realized it might be a lot of fun. Correction: it might be lot of fun for me. Hey I might as well attempt give something back to the community, and this blog has been about nothing so far anyway. And if you're a fan of Roman history aren't you now curious to see which QB is Caligula? Nero? Philip the Arab?

I'm gonna kick things off, pun intended, in the next post.

one legged perspective

 
So as a result of my latest ankle sprain, I spent the past week alternately getting around on crutches or hopping around on my right leg. I've been on crutches once before in high school, but this time was a lot different since my life is a lot more independent now. Not surprisingly, it was a royal pain in the ass. Flying across the country on one leg is not something I'd recommend. A low point was when I tried to hop across the security gate on my good leg, but I grabbed the gate to steady myself and set off the sensor. The security dude was like "I can't watch this, get this guy a cane", so I had to limp through the gate on a cane like I'm 97 years old.

It was a humbling experience, being helpless and sometimes dependent on strangers for assistance. You definitely see a different side of people when you pose no threat to them. I was pretty encouraged by the number of good samaritans who offered a helping hand or a sympathetic word. I found myself running errands that I probably shouldn't have tried to run in my condition, but with the expectation that random help would be forthcoming. Usually things worked out.

The one exception to kindness was creepy old dude in the building. I was hauling a bag of fruit on my crutches back to the apartment when the bag broke and I had to crawl around the ground gathering fruit. Creepy old dude, previously known for walking around half naked at wee hours, walked right past me without a word or any kind of gesture. That guy can kiss my ass.

Anyway I'm well on the road to recovery now, and I might give it a go tomorrow sans crutches. I'll take from this trial a much healthier respect for all handicapped people. There's another gentleman in my building who goes around in a wheelchair, but always seems to be upbeat and joking around. In the past I guess I'd pretty much just feel sorry for him. Now that I can somewhat appreciate the challenges he overcomes daily, I don't feel sorry for him anymore because I bet hes happier and mentally stronger than a good number of people on two legs. I do feel sorry for creepy old guy, because karma will eventually catch up to him.

here's to feeling good all the time

 
I wake up in the morning, refreshed as usual. Its a big game 7 for the Caps, the do or die finale to an intense series. I'm not worried though. I remember that the Caps have never lost a game 7 in the playoffs. Actually they haven't even gotten to game 7 much over the course of their incredible run of 5 Stanley Cups in 7 years - they've just been too good.

Time to get dressed for work. Should I wear my 2001 Redskins Superbowl champions shirt? It always makes me smile to remember that magical year, when 6th rd draft pick Tom Brady came out of nowhere to lead the Skins to a thrilling Superbowl win over the Oakland Raiders, after handing the Cowboys a 62-3 beatdown in the NFC championship game. Little did I know that would only be a prelude to the emergence of the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Its amazing how things turned around when Snyder abruptly sold the team and moved to Madagascar to live with the lemurs. In the end I go with the '06 Superbowl shirt because I like the design better.

I sort through my closet, brushing aside my Lebron James and Chris Paul Wizards jerseys. I remind myself to get home from work tomorrow in time to see the Wizards go for yet another series clincher against the hapless Cavs. For a moment I almost feel bad that D.C. has 6 straight NBA championships and Cleveland continues to be a cesspool. I snap out of it when my phone rings. Its that Italian supermodel again - she won't stop calling. I let it go to voicemail, no time for shenanigans today.

A day at work is spent in anticipation, but pays off when the Caps prevail after a 5 goal performance from Ovechkin. I celebrate with champagne and save the bottle like I do after every big win. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of so much winning. Probably not. I make a note to myself that I need to rent out more storage space for victory bottles.

As the sweet feeling of victory envelops me, I light up a cigar and enjoy the sunset while interviews of jubilant Caps players continue in the background. One question lingers in my head: why...am i so blessed?

(Note: this has been the delusional rambling of a dangerously unstable individual. Please do not attempt to jolt him back to the real world, or he may lose what little grasp of reality he has left. If you must comment, please do so with due sensitivity to his fragile state of mind. Thank you.)

bear flu

There has been a lot of buzz about swine flu, and now it seems like they've got it under control. What I'm concerned about is that a far deadlier strain is still flying under the radar: bear flu.

Some quick facts about bear flu:

- It comes from bears, obviously; it causes flu-like symptoms for them. For humans the symptoms include slurry speech, heightened sense of smell, mauling other humans, and eating 100 lbs of food per day.

- It's transmitted by microorganisms shaped like bears, which use their powerful swimming ability to rapidly travel through the bloodstream. There is no cure for bear flu, you can only hope to contain it.

- A number of explanations for Kennedy's assassination have been posited over the years, but the new du jour theory is that bear flu did him in.

- Bear flu is the #2 threat to our nation's security, behind only actual bears themselves.

There you have it - the cat is out of the bag. Be safe.

birds going nuts

 
I've had mixed feelings about birds over the years. I hated birds when I was a kid. Apparently when I was young I used to cry and scream when flocks of birds approached. Anything with wings just did not sit well with me -I hated planes also, and still do. Anyway one of the strangest childhood memories I still harbor happened when for some reason I had to go to this humongous church to take part in a choir practice. This church had a skylight like 100 feet high that we were placed directly under. The problem for me was that for some reason they had been showing previews for "The Birds II" recently, and I literally have never been more terrified by a movie trailer in my life. I've never seen "The Birds" or "The Birds II" to this day, but from what I can gather its about birds going insane and attacking humans. At this age the idea of that happening completely freaked me out. For like a week all I could think about was bird attacks. And then here at this church, you could see birds through the skylight windows roosting and chilling and there were even birds inside the church because it was so high. This choir practice lasted like 5 hours and the entire time all I was doing was staring up in abject terror at these birds and imagining them swooping down and clawing my eyes out. Luckily none of the little bastards spotted a mouse on the floor or something or I would have probably run out of the church screaming with piss running down my pants. Nevertheless, I will never forget the feeling I had that day. There might as well have been velociraptors pounding on the glass trying to get into the church.

On that note, welcome to my NFL championship weekend preview. What does this have to do with birds? Here's the deal - there were four bird teams coming into the playoffs: the Falcons, Eagles, the Ravens, and the Cardinals. The only bird team to lose has been the Falcons, in a bird battle with the Cardinals in Round 1. The other avian teams are 5-0, including an unbelievable run last weekend when all three bird underdogs won outright on the road. Bill Simmons had a take on the situation, noting also that birds just took down a plane headed to Charlotte, where the Cards had just emerged victorious over the second-seeded Panthers. The bottom line is that for whatever reason these flying maniacs are on the rampage.


Ravens(+6) at Steelers

All of that coincides well with the fact that the Ravens are underdogs going into basically a street brawl of a game. I don't know about you, but in any street brawl I want the dude who stabbed someone to death. And just for historical reference here are the last five championship games played in Pittsburgh:

1995: San Diego Chargers 17, Pittsburgh Steelers 13 - Chargers were a decent team, led by Stan Humphries and Natrone Means (Natrone Means Business), but not a powerhouse. Steelers were favored, but bowed out to a Chargers team that went on to get annihilated by the Niners in the Superbowl, 49-26.

1996: Pittsburgh Steelers 20, Indianapolis Colts 16 - I'm just old enough to remember this game. Nobody really expected the Colts to do anything in this playoffs, but Jim Harbaugh and Co. surprised the Chargers and Chiefs and came within a hail mary pass of beating the Steelers. The hail mary actually went through the hands of Aaron Bailey - otherwise we'd be talking about 2 decades of Steeler futility in home championship games.

1998: Denver Broncos 24, Pittsburgh Steelers 21 - Probably the most excusable of the home losses here. The Broncos finally put it together with Elway and Terrell Davis and weren't your average wildcard team by a longshot. When you've got Kordell Stewart going against John Elway in a championship game and it ends up coming down to the wire, you're basically hoping for an injury or some kind of Immaculate Reception type play.

2002: New England Patriots 24, Pittsburgh Steelers 17 - This was during Tom Brady's coming out season, but Brady got hurt in the second quarter and got replaced by erstwhile starter Drew Bledsoe. Not good times when you let Drew Bledsoe enter mid-game after sitting most of the season and lead his team to a Superbowl berth on your home turf.

2005: New England Patriots 41, Pittsburgh Steelers 27 - I left for Italy the day this game happened so I can't really comment on it. I don't think there's much to say anyway except that the Pittsburgh went 15-1 that year and still ended up being New England's bitch. On a sidenote, I'll never forget leaving the house that day for the airport and Falcons at Eagles was playing on the TV. As I was stepping out the door a handicapped kid in a wheelchair came onto the field to sing the national anthem. He was struggling and putting everything he had into it and dammit if it wasn't the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen. The soldiers on the field had tears coming down and it was almost too much for me being on the verge of leaving the country for 5 months. I tried recently to find online video of that, but i think part of me didn't really want to see it again because that kid's face would haunt your dreams.

Anyway back to the point, the Steelers have sucked at home in the AFC championship game. Obviously games from like 1994 have no bearing on today, and Pittsburgh doesn't even have the same coach they did in 2005. I just like interjecting historical perspectives. As far as the upcoming matchup, I think people are making a lot out of a great performance last week against an 8-8 Chargers team that was travelling east from San Diego to play in the snow and was coming off like 6 straight win-or-die games. Also you have to take into account that numerous members of the Ravens are legitimately insane, and do things like put bounties on opposing players' heads. There's a good chance Hines Ward gets a helmet to the spine if he turns his back on Sunday. You just know that a team built like the Ravens is gonna fight, claw, and play dirty, basically do anything in this kind of game to come out on top. Steelers won both regular season games by a combined 7 pts, so I don't see any reason why this one won't come down to the wire. Its always tough to call these kinds of games since turnovers and key plays late are bound to play such a huge role. But I really do think its closer to a tossup than the line indicates, thus I gotta go with the team getting 6 pts. So I'm going with Baltimore in this one.

Ravens 19, Steelers 17

Eagles at Cardinals (+4.5)

The most disrespected bird in the playoffs has been the cardinal. They're underdogs at home in the NFC championship game, Chris Berman dogged them for tanking games, Deion Sanders said he would sell his Superbowl tickets if Arizona made it; meanwhile Magic Time just rolls on.

The thing is I don't know if I'd even take the Cardinals without all this media nonsense - the Eagles are playing great football and Kurt Warner against that blitz should and does alarm me. But here's what I think should alarm the Eagles and those betting on Philly: Arizona went across the country to face off against the well-rested champion of arguably the best division in football this year and beat their asses to a pulp. They didn't eke out a win, they friggin lowered the boom. And now they're 4.5 pt dogs in their own house. The understandable knocks on Arizona before last week were playing a soft schedule, not having impressive wins, not having a great defense, and Kurt Warner having the ground speed of a turtle in a tray of Nyquil jello. I would say only one of those is still valid at this point.

To be sure, I'm not confident about Arizona winning this one outright, but I am confident as to which team is holding the "no respect" card right now. So I'm going with the Cardinals out of principle. If they lose? Well I guess they ARE...what the oddsmakers THOUGHT THEY WERE.

Cardinals 31, Eagles 26