A word

Apologies for the prolonged absence. Things have gotten busy, but rest assured I still have intentions of continuing my QB-Emperor series at some point.

Interestingly, since I wrote the last entry our friend Mr. Vick has become the hero of the biggest redemption story of the 2010 NFL season. More importantly to me, he orchestrated the biggest atrocity inflicted on D.C. since the War of 1812. Note to self: don't use QB's whose careers aren't over yet.

Caligula

Caligula (Gaius Caligula), reign 37 to 41 A.D.


The name itself has become synonymous with unbridled tyranny, outrageous excess, and plain old fashioned insanity. Caligula has been universally demonized and sensationalized throughout history as a monster of unparalleled depravity. To put it lightly, the dude had some problems.

As a child, Gaius was bestowed the nickname Caligula ("little boot" or "half-boot" in Latin), by Roman soldiers who grew accustomed to seeing him tag along on campaigns with his father, the legendary commander Germanicus.

Upon the death of Tiberius, Caligula shoved aside Tiberius' grandson Gemellus, who was supposed to be co-emperor, and began his short but infamous reign. It started out well enough, with acts of charity, gifts to the people, and a bold announcement of plans to conquer Britannia. The Roman people rejoiced, and were glad to be rid of the unpopular Tiberius. A few months in, however, Caligula was gripped by a serious illness, possibly the result of a nervous breakdown. After that episode, things started going downhill. Caligula became mad with power and demanded to be treated as a living god. The tales of his dementia are well-known; He forced the soldiers gathered for the invasion of Britain to gather seashells on the beach to bring back to Rome as plunder (possibly untrue). He tried to make his favorite race horse a consul. He banged his sisters. He had a bridge of ships constructed so he could ride the horse across the Bay of Baiae. He made senators' wives partake in palace orgies and then sold them off as prostitutes to raise money. Creative methods of fund raising aside, the treasury was heavily depleted during his reign. So naturally there were random arrests and seizures of property based on supposed treason charges. At least victims could count on a a fair trial...or not. Usually the judicial process was a circus. And by that I mean the accused were fed to wild beasts while people watched. At one point when he ran out of "criminals", he ordered the spectators at one of his circuses to be thrown to the lions to satisfy his blood lust.

After three and a half years of this tomfoolery, Caligula had no more friends left in Rome. He was assassinated in a plot led by the commander of the Praetorian Guard, who had been a favorite target for humiliation. He died at the age of 28, younger than his quarterback counterpart:




Michael Vick

There really is only one choice in this comparison. We all know the story of Michael Vick. A legend at Virginia Tech. Possibly the most captivating prospect in NFL history. A career marked initially by spectacular highlights and inconsistency. And a dramatic fall from grace following revelations of his dogfighting activities that sent shockwaves of horror across the nation, reaching many who had never watched an NFL game. Deservedly nor not, it's hard to find an athlete today who conjures up feelings of public outrage quite like Mike Vick. Was he as bad as Caligula? As far as I know, Vick never had homeboys thrown into the ring if he was running out of dogs. Of course, it is impossible to try to compare the respective transgressions of two people who lived in such different eras - it's hard to imagine the average ancient Roman getting worked up over dogfighting when there were actual humans getting disemboweled by lions and tigers for sport on a regular basis.

To be sure, the comparison hinges mainly on the public perception of two demonized figures. The average person will know little about the legacy of Caligula outside of his celebrated insanity, just as Vick's place in the public mind will most likely always be centered on his indiscretions in the world of canine combat. At least Vick is getting a second chance, so he's got that going for him.

a bit of a break from the norm

 
It's recently come to my attention that the contents of this blog are somewhat limited in appeal. So in an effort to reach out to neglected but valued readers, I'm opening things up a bit. Plus I figured it'd be a good time to take a break from the mini-series (don't panic, it'll be back). So without further ado, by request:

Two Turtles

Off the coast of California, a great migration is underway. Mating season for loggerhead sea turtles is approaching, and adult turtles are heeding a primal call to set off on one of the most amazing journeys on the planet. The beach where they were hatched is half a world away on the Australian coast, and it is there that they will return to mate and lay their eggs. It is an epic undertaking spanning over 9,000 miles of open sea, and one that is only partially understood by those outside of the close-knit turtle community. Human scientists have tried for decades to figure out how and why exactly these remarkable creatures navigate their way across the globe. The only thing that is for sure is that their inborn spirit of adventure is an inspiration to us all.

But two turtles did not make the journey...


“Why are we watching Ninja Turtles again?"

"It's on pretty much every station."

"Man, and it's all reruns during migration season."

[flipping channels]

"Hey, did you hear Phil got robbed in the Galapagos?"

"No shit."

"Yeah, komodo dragons got him."

"That whole area has gone downhill. I heard eggjackings are way up too."

[moment of silence]

“All right, I'll ask because I know we're both thinking it. There are beaches everywhere. I'm pretty sure they're not that different. Why do we as a species have to swim to Australia to get laid? Do you know what the underwater traffic is like in Polynesia this time of year?"

"It's society. They'll think of you as less of a turtle if you don't do it. Don't even get my dad started on his migratory trips 'back in the day'. He acts like nobody ever spent 3 months in the large intestine of a sperm whale."

"I know right. Hey I ran into Stan the other day, and that eel said he was gonna get you. What did you do?"

"Yeah he's pissed because I borrowed his ipod and erased some of his crap and put a bunch of Sufjan Stevens songs on it. Not my fault he has terrible taste in music. Also I ate a bunch of his kids."

"You better watch out man. He's friends with some sharks."

"Yeah only because he sells them weed."

[long silence]

"Seriously his playlists were the worst. It was like a sprinkling of top 40 and the rest was really angry death metal. It was kind of disturbing actually, that guy has some problems."

"Hey look Amazing Race is on."

"Amazing race: what a joke. There's barely any swimming in this so-called 'race'. Wake me up when these idiots learn to navigate by attuning their brains to the electrical currents of the earth's magnetic field. Go back to Ninja Turtles."

In just one year these two turtles will have reached physical maturity. Then they will take part in a ritual dating from time immemorial and make the incredible odyssey across the Pacific Ocean to their ancestral breeding grounds. Not long after, on a secluded beach, a new generation will spring to life out of eggshells and begin the next great wave of reptilian seafaring. We may never understand it, but that’s what sea turtles do, and that’s why we love them.

The End

Tiberius

Tiberius (Claudius Nero Caesar), reign: 14-37 A.D.


Tiberius was a bit of an enigma. He wasn't the the first choice for emperor, nor the second or third, but all of the successors picked by Augustus kept dying.

Thus it might seem like fate that brought Tiberius to the forefront, but ultimately he didn't get that cised for power. Personality-wise, he was a bit of a debbie downer, moody and dark. His introversion caused him to give his shady advisor Sejanus almost complete power while Tiberius went into seclusion on Capri. With Tiberius cut off from the rest of the empire, Sejanus went on a rampage rooting out supposed traitors with a network of informers.



Tiberius was known to be fairly wise and generous, and his administration ran efficiently. He was also a successful military commander in his earlier days. Unfortunately his legacy is marred by his early retirement and Sejanus' ensuing reign of terror. Shades perhaps, of another capable but QB who dipped early.

Drew Bledsoe

Ol' Drew almost had it all. Blessed with prototypical height and laser-rocket arm, Bledsoe enjoyed multiple productive seasons with the Patriots. But his Achilles heel was his statue-like immobility. Bledsoe was sacked 54 times in '99 with the Patriots, 49 times in '03 with the Bills, 49 times in '05 with the Cowboys, and in his last season, 16 times in 6 games before ignominiously giving way to the Tony Romo era.

After getting drilled by Mo Lewis in a game against the Jets in '01, Bledsoe suffered a concussion, a punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Can't say I really blame the man for walking away at age 34. Drew reportedly has a lot of interests outside of football, and he probably had had enough of eating sack lunches 3 times a week.

Additional Notes:

A sad episode of Tiberius' life was when Augustus forced him to divorce his wife Vipsania, whom he loved with a passion. For political purposes he was made to marry Julia, daughter of Augustus. They hated each other and Julia eventually became notorious for whoring it up around Rome. She was eventually exiled to the island of Pandateria, where she committed suicide.

Augustus

Augustus, birth name Gaius Octavianus, reign: 27 BC to AD 14

When Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times on the Ides of March, 44 A.D., Rome had been a republic for almost five centuries. But already, the old system was on the way out. Caesar's military accomplishments and cult of personality paved the way for transition to an empire, ruled by one man.

Gaius Octavianus, great nephew of Julius Caesar, pretty much had his ticket punched for primetime when he was essentially named as the heir in the Julius Caesar's will. The Caesar name was enough to secure the loyalty of the much of the army. Nevertheless the purple toga wasn't handed to Augustus on a silver platter; he fought a war and triumphed over Marcus Antonius (Mark Antony).

He ultimately proved to be a great leader of men, and also a smart politician. He played the role of the reluctant king; he even announced that he was stepping down from power and made it look like he needed to be persuaded to assume control. By opting to seize power gradually rather than all at once, he was able to appease the aristocracy and stay around long enough to gradually break down the republican system. He was officially crowned as Augustus on January 16, 27 B.C, and would end up being one of the longest ruling emperors, dying peacefully at age 75.

Augustus is inevitably known as the man who officially transformed Rome from a republic to an empire. Which is why his NFL QB counterpart is:


Johnny Unitas

The Golden Arm, headliner of the "Greatest Game Ever Played", Johnny U was the face of NFL as it entered the modern era. He had the old school, tough guy appeal, but didn't lack a flair for the dramatic. The famous 1958 championship game is credited for launching the NFL into the mainstream consciousness. That game was a marketing success because it was a well played, down to the wire thriller that ended with Unitas leading the Colts on a game winning drive in OT.

What if, instead of Johnny U, a '50s version of Jake Delhomme was on the national stage and threw 6 picks in an anticlimactic 31-0 loss in that seminal title game? What if instead of Augustus, Julius Caesar's great nephew turned out to be a weak, corrupt shell of a ruler? We'll never know, and its probably for the best.


Additional notes:

The reign of Augustus was relatively peaceful on the frontiers in the grand scheme of history; no major territories were acquired or lost. However one of the most infamous military disasters in Roman history occurred on his watch: The Battle of Teutoburger Wald in 9 A.D. Three Roman legions, over 20,000 men total, were lured into a trap in the forests of Germania by the treacherous Arminius, a Roman military commander of Germanic origin. There they were ambushed, unable to form ranks in the dense forest, and slaughtered. The prisoners were sacrificed alive in cages to the German gods.

In that same vein, Johnny U was on the losing end of another one of the most famous games in NFL history: Super Bowl III in 1969. As we all know, Joe Namath issued a highly publicized guarantee of a Jets victory over the heavily favored Colts and then went out and pulled it off. Unitas had actually been hurt most of that season, and started the game on the bench, but was put in the game in the second half to try to jumpstart the offense. It didn't work, and the rest is history.

QBs and Roman Emperors

 
So with football season approaching and this being the month of August, I had this idea for a blog mini-series of sorts. In case you didn't know, August is named after Augustus Caesar, the first emperor of Rome; similarly, July is named after Julius Caesar. That got me thinking, what if I did a series of comparisons between NFL quarterbacks and Roman emperors? The more I thought about it, I realized it might be a lot of fun. Correction: it might be lot of fun for me. Hey I might as well attempt give something back to the community, and this blog has been about nothing so far anyway. And if you're a fan of Roman history aren't you now curious to see which QB is Caligula? Nero? Philip the Arab?

I'm gonna kick things off, pun intended, in the next post.

cultural flavor

Random ethnic observations:

- When they play "Caress me down" by Sublime on the radio here, the Spanish curse words (chingo, panochista(sp?) are bleeped out, even though its not on a Spanish radio station.

- One time, and one time only there was an Indian girl working at the Carl's Jr across the street. After I ordered, a Mexican dude came up and of course started talking in Spanish and was shocked when she didn't understand. I've never seen that girl since, which is too bad because she was kinda cute. I'm sure she got tired of everyone speaking Spanish to her though.

Then one time I was at In N Out and this dude with a thick Indian accent was trying to order a burger with no beef. Apparently they have veggie burgers, but I guess he wanted chicken or something, which they don't have. He was pretty upset and he ended up leaving without getting anything. I felt bad because his friends probably all told him how great In N Out was and that he had to check it out.

I guess the moral of these stories is that Indians at west coast based fast food joints can lead to shenanigans.