one legged perspective

 
So as a result of my latest ankle sprain, I spent the past week alternately getting around on crutches or hopping around on my right leg. I've been on crutches once before in high school, but this time was a lot different since my life is a lot more independent now. Not surprisingly, it was a royal pain in the ass. Flying across the country on one leg is not something I'd recommend. A low point was when I tried to hop across the security gate on my good leg, but I grabbed the gate to steady myself and set off the sensor. The security dude was like "I can't watch this, get this guy a cane", so I had to limp through the gate on a cane like I'm 97 years old.

It was a humbling experience, being helpless and sometimes dependent on strangers for assistance. You definitely see a different side of people when you pose no threat to them. I was pretty encouraged by the number of good samaritans who offered a helping hand or a sympathetic word. I found myself running errands that I probably shouldn't have tried to run in my condition, but with the expectation that random help would be forthcoming. Usually things worked out.

The one exception to kindness was creepy old dude in the building. I was hauling a bag of fruit on my crutches back to the apartment when the bag broke and I had to crawl around the ground gathering fruit. Creepy old dude, previously known for walking around half naked at wee hours, walked right past me without a word or any kind of gesture. That guy can kiss my ass.

Anyway I'm well on the road to recovery now, and I might give it a go tomorrow sans crutches. I'll take from this trial a much healthier respect for all handicapped people. There's another gentleman in my building who goes around in a wheelchair, but always seems to be upbeat and joking around. In the past I guess I'd pretty much just feel sorry for him. Now that I can somewhat appreciate the challenges he overcomes daily, I don't feel sorry for him anymore because I bet hes happier and mentally stronger than a good number of people on two legs. I do feel sorry for creepy old guy, because karma will eventually catch up to him.

here's to feeling good all the time

 
I wake up in the morning, refreshed as usual. Its a big game 7 for the Caps, the do or die finale to an intense series. I'm not worried though. I remember that the Caps have never lost a game 7 in the playoffs. Actually they haven't even gotten to game 7 much over the course of their incredible run of 5 Stanley Cups in 7 years - they've just been too good.

Time to get dressed for work. Should I wear my 2001 Redskins Superbowl champions shirt? It always makes me smile to remember that magical year, when 6th rd draft pick Tom Brady came out of nowhere to lead the Skins to a thrilling Superbowl win over the Oakland Raiders, after handing the Cowboys a 62-3 beatdown in the NFC championship game. Little did I know that would only be a prelude to the emergence of the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Its amazing how things turned around when Snyder abruptly sold the team and moved to Madagascar to live with the lemurs. In the end I go with the '06 Superbowl shirt because I like the design better.

I sort through my closet, brushing aside my Lebron James and Chris Paul Wizards jerseys. I remind myself to get home from work tomorrow in time to see the Wizards go for yet another series clincher against the hapless Cavs. For a moment I almost feel bad that D.C. has 6 straight NBA championships and Cleveland continues to be a cesspool. I snap out of it when my phone rings. Its that Italian supermodel again - she won't stop calling. I let it go to voicemail, no time for shenanigans today.

A day at work is spent in anticipation, but pays off when the Caps prevail after a 5 goal performance from Ovechkin. I celebrate with champagne and save the bottle like I do after every big win. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of so much winning. Probably not. I make a note to myself that I need to rent out more storage space for victory bottles.

As the sweet feeling of victory envelops me, I light up a cigar and enjoy the sunset while interviews of jubilant Caps players continue in the background. One question lingers in my head: why...am i so blessed?

(Note: this has been the delusional rambling of a dangerously unstable individual. Please do not attempt to jolt him back to the real world, or he may lose what little grasp of reality he has left. If you must comment, please do so with due sensitivity to his fragile state of mind. Thank you.)

bear flu

There has been a lot of buzz about swine flu, and now it seems like they've got it under control. What I'm concerned about is that a far deadlier strain is still flying under the radar: bear flu.

Some quick facts about bear flu:

- It comes from bears, obviously; it causes flu-like symptoms for them. For humans the symptoms include slurry speech, heightened sense of smell, mauling other humans, and eating 100 lbs of food per day.

- It's transmitted by microorganisms shaped like bears, which use their powerful swimming ability to rapidly travel through the bloodstream. There is no cure for bear flu, you can only hope to contain it.

- A number of explanations for Kennedy's assassination have been posited over the years, but the new du jour theory is that bear flu did him in.

- Bear flu is the #2 threat to our nation's security, behind only actual bears themselves.

There you have it - the cat is out of the bag. Be safe.