A tradition unlike any other

To be a sports fan that came of age in the DMV is to be a connoisseur of horrendous defeats, unless you were one of those obnoxious kids that jumped on the Cowboys or [insert random successful team] bandwagon. If you were one of the loyalists, you know that losing comes in many flavors - to quote Newman, it is a dazzling array of textures and moments.

Tonight seems like a good occasion to look back on some especially memorable sports catastrophes in recent years:


May 13, 2009: Caps flame out in spectacular Game 7 loss to Penguins

Trying to decide on the most epic Caps playoff collapse is like trying to pick your favorite Beatles song, but this one really stuck with me for some reason. The sudden emergence of the Caps in the previous year had everyone in a tizzy. I have to admit, their emergence as a seemingly legit force was a breath of fresh air in the room full of stale farts that D.C. sports seemed to be trapped in. They had lost to the Flyers the previous year, but his time around they were supposed to be more "seasoned". Unfortunately whatever seasoning they received clearly did not last through the 7 games series against Pittsburgh. Needless to say, after this humiliating 6-2 loss I was all like "Nice try!" when the Caps tried to lure me in the next year before losing to the 8th seeded Canadiens.


Mar. 21 2010: Korie Lucious ends Maryland's season

Terp fans haven't had many opportunities to enjoy March Madness in the past decade. This was the perhaps the most promising year since they won it all in 2002. A senior laden team ran up against the Michigan State team in the second round, fell behind early, then battled back. In the last hectic seconds, Greivis Vasquez put the Terps up 1, only to see mediocre guard Korie Lucious hit a three at the buzzer. At least this didn't up being Gary Williams' last tournament game! Oh wait..


November 15, 2010: The Monday Night Massacre

What beleaguered Skins fan can forget this night? Hyped up all week as Donovan McNabb vs his former team and Mike Vick, this game can be best described as a buzz saw running into a pile of horse manure. One second thought, that may a bit harsh to horse manure, which is probably of much higher quality and utility than the pile of feces named Albert Haynesworth that showed up that night. You might remember Fat Albert eschewing traditional football activities like "running" and "trying" in favor of crawling around on the ground like a beached orca trying to navigate a minefield during one redzone play. I'm as big a fan of playing Nightcrawlers as anyone, but that just was not the time and place. The final score was 100-28, or something like that. If you're a Skins fan and you actually watched that whole game, you are not me.


October 12, 2012

The O's and Nats both playing elimination game 5's on the same day? What could go wrong?? I was a big Orioles fan as a kid. I have to credit Jeffrey Maier and Armando Benitez for playing integral roles in my development as a sports pessimist. This years series was like a walk down memory lane, seeing how it all started to go wrong. The icing on the cake was watching 46,000 virginal Nats fan witness one of the most horrific playoff collapses in recent memory.

To be continued, for a long time

It seemed like a lifetime ago. Four years. Plenty of time for friends to move across the continent, for careers to sharpen into focus, and for youth to yield to wisdom. The memory of that fateful day on the river had been worn down into an inconspicuous nub, much like a rock eroded by the merciless pounding of whitewater currents. But some memories never fade completely.

The cool ocean breeze comforted him. The presence of the ocean was a balm to old wounds. Whenever his mind wandered back towards that fateful day, he thought of the blue Pacific and its calm waters. No storms roiled his senses, not in this corner of the world. But on the rare occasions that hard rain fell from the sky, he made sure to avoid all bodies of water. Thankfully today was another bright sunny day.

A fantastic tale of riverine adventure. A lazy drift down subdued waters abruptly interrupted by an apocalyptic tempest. A boy and his pals on a careless weekend jaunt caught off guard by the storm of the century - one minute lolling in dead water, the next being tossed to all corners of the seven seas. These were stories that belonged in a children's book, he told himself. These kinds of stories were boxed away and stored in a musty corner of the basement in his childhood home, next to Huckleberry Finn and Ralph and the Motorcycle.

In an instant, the sun was extinguished. The dragonflies and lightning bugs, pleasant adornments of an idyllic summer afternoon just a moment ago, now seemed like menacing harbingers of the furious wrath of Poseidon. With a terrifying roar the heavens opened their ponderous gates. Screams pierced the wind-whipped air as panicked kayakers paddled desperately towards shore. Angry rain shelled the hapless adventurers while bowel-shaking thunder blasted and shook their plastic yellow vessels. It was as if the atmosphere had been invaded by malevolent alien electrical entities and earth was fighting back with all the elements it could throw at the sky. The churning water turned blood red, and the wails grew more distant. He looked around frantically for any signs of his companions. At the far end of the horizon, he saw Naz sinking into the depths with paddles flailing, and then he was gone. At the other end he saw Jon battling frantically against the current to save Andy, until both were swallowed up by the watery demons. He drew in a last breath before surrendering to the storm.

He woke up covered in sweat. It had been four years. Not long enough.

Happy 7/20!

Caligula

Caligula (Gaius Caligula), reign 37 to 41 A.D.


The name itself has become synonymous with unbridled tyranny, outrageous excess, and plain old fashioned insanity. Caligula has been universally demonized and sensationalized throughout history as a monster of unparalleled depravity. To put it lightly, the dude had some problems.

As a child, Gaius was bestowed the nickname Caligula ("little boot" or "half-boot" in Latin), by Roman soldiers who grew accustomed to seeing him tag along on campaigns with his father, the legendary commander Germanicus.

Upon the death of Tiberius, Caligula shoved aside Tiberius' grandson Gemellus, who was supposed to be co-emperor, and began his short but infamous reign. It started out well enough, with acts of charity, gifts to the people, and a bold announcement of plans to conquer Britannia. The Roman people rejoiced, and were glad to be rid of the unpopular Tiberius. A few months in, however, Caligula was gripped by a serious illness, possibly the result of a nervous breakdown. After that episode, things started going downhill. Caligula became mad with power and demanded to be treated as a living god. The tales of his dementia are well-known; He forced the soldiers gathered for the invasion of Britain to gather seashells on the beach to bring back to Rome as plunder (possibly untrue). He tried to make his favorite race horse a consul. He banged his sisters. He had a bridge of ships constructed so he could ride the horse across the Bay of Baiae. He made senators' wives partake in palace orgies and then sold them off as prostitutes to raise money. Creative methods of fund raising aside, the treasury was heavily depleted during his reign. So naturally there were random arrests and seizures of property based on supposed treason charges. At least victims could count on a a fair trial...or not. Usually the judicial process was a circus. And by that I mean the accused were fed to wild beasts while people watched. At one point when he ran out of "criminals", he ordered the spectators at one of his circuses to be thrown to the lions to satisfy his blood lust.

After three and a half years of this tomfoolery, Caligula had no more friends left in Rome. He was assassinated in a plot led by the commander of the Praetorian Guard, who had been a favorite target for humiliation. He died at the age of 28, younger than his quarterback counterpart:




Michael Vick

There really is only one choice in this comparison. We all know the story of Michael Vick. A legend at Virginia Tech. Possibly the most captivating prospect in NFL history. A career marked initially by spectacular highlights and inconsistency. And a dramatic fall from grace following revelations of his dogfighting activities that sent shockwaves of horror across the nation, reaching many who had never watched an NFL game. Deservedly nor not, it's hard to find an athlete today who conjures up feelings of public outrage quite like Mike Vick. Was he as bad as Caligula? As far as I know, Vick never had homeboys thrown into the ring if he was running out of dogs. Of course, it is impossible to try to compare the respective transgressions of two people who lived in such different eras - it's hard to imagine the average ancient Roman getting worked up over dogfighting when there were actual humans getting disemboweled by lions and tigers for sport on a regular basis.

To be sure, the comparison hinges mainly on the public perception of two demonized figures. The average person will know little about the legacy of Caligula outside of his celebrated insanity, just as Vick's place in the public mind will most likely always be centered on his indiscretions in the world of canine combat. At least Vick is getting a second chance, so he's got that going for him.

Tiberius

Tiberius (Claudius Nero Caesar), reign: 14-37 A.D.


Tiberius was a bit of an enigma. He wasn't the the first choice for emperor, nor the second or third, but all of the successors picked by Augustus kept dying.

Thus it might seem like fate that brought Tiberius to the forefront, but ultimately he didn't get that cised for power. Personality-wise, he was a bit of a debbie downer, moody and dark. His introversion caused him to give his shady advisor Sejanus almost complete power while Tiberius went into seclusion on Capri. With Tiberius cut off from the rest of the empire, Sejanus went on a rampage rooting out supposed traitors with a network of informers.



Tiberius was known to be fairly wise and generous, and his administration ran efficiently. He was also a successful military commander in his earlier days. Unfortunately his legacy is marred by his early retirement and Sejanus' ensuing reign of terror. Shades perhaps, of another capable but QB who dipped early.

Drew Bledsoe

Ol' Drew almost had it all. Blessed with prototypical height and laser-rocket arm, Bledsoe enjoyed multiple productive seasons with the Patriots. But his Achilles heel was his statue-like immobility. Bledsoe was sacked 54 times in '99 with the Patriots, 49 times in '03 with the Bills, 49 times in '05 with the Cowboys, and in his last season, 16 times in 6 games before ignominiously giving way to the Tony Romo era.

After getting drilled by Mo Lewis in a game against the Jets in '01, Bledsoe suffered a concussion, a punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Can't say I really blame the man for walking away at age 34. Drew reportedly has a lot of interests outside of football, and he probably had had enough of eating sack lunches 3 times a week.

Additional Notes:

A sad episode of Tiberius' life was when Augustus forced him to divorce his wife Vipsania, whom he loved with a passion. For political purposes he was made to marry Julia, daughter of Augustus. They hated each other and Julia eventually became notorious for whoring it up around Rome. She was eventually exiled to the island of Pandateria, where she committed suicide.

Augustus

Augustus, birth name Gaius Octavianus, reign: 27 BC to AD 14

When Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times on the Ides of March, 44 A.D., Rome had been a republic for almost five centuries. But already, the old system was on the way out. Caesar's military accomplishments and cult of personality paved the way for transition to an empire, ruled by one man.

Gaius Octavianus, great nephew of Julius Caesar, pretty much had his ticket punched for primetime when he was essentially named as the heir in the Julius Caesar's will. The Caesar name was enough to secure the loyalty of the much of the army. Nevertheless the purple toga wasn't handed to Augustus on a silver platter; he fought a war and triumphed over Marcus Antonius (Mark Antony).

He ultimately proved to be a great leader of men, and also a smart politician. He played the role of the reluctant king; he even announced that he was stepping down from power and made it look like he needed to be persuaded to assume control. By opting to seize power gradually rather than all at once, he was able to appease the aristocracy and stay around long enough to gradually break down the republican system. He was officially crowned as Augustus on January 16, 27 B.C, and would end up being one of the longest ruling emperors, dying peacefully at age 75.

Augustus is inevitably known as the man who officially transformed Rome from a republic to an empire. Which is why his NFL QB counterpart is:


Johnny Unitas

The Golden Arm, headliner of the "Greatest Game Ever Played", Johnny U was the face of NFL as it entered the modern era. He had the old school, tough guy appeal, but didn't lack a flair for the dramatic. The famous 1958 championship game is credited for launching the NFL into the mainstream consciousness. That game was a marketing success because it was a well played, down to the wire thriller that ended with Unitas leading the Colts on a game winning drive in OT.

What if, instead of Johnny U, a '50s version of Jake Delhomme was on the national stage and threw 6 picks in an anticlimactic 31-0 loss in that seminal title game? What if instead of Augustus, Julius Caesar's great nephew turned out to be a weak, corrupt shell of a ruler? We'll never know, and its probably for the best.


Additional notes:

The reign of Augustus was relatively peaceful on the frontiers in the grand scheme of history; no major territories were acquired or lost. However one of the most infamous military disasters in Roman history occurred on his watch: The Battle of Teutoburger Wald in 9 A.D. Three Roman legions, over 20,000 men total, were lured into a trap in the forests of Germania by the treacherous Arminius, a Roman military commander of Germanic origin. There they were ambushed, unable to form ranks in the dense forest, and slaughtered. The prisoners were sacrificed alive in cages to the German gods.

In that same vein, Johnny U was on the losing end of another one of the most famous games in NFL history: Super Bowl III in 1969. As we all know, Joe Namath issued a highly publicized guarantee of a Jets victory over the heavily favored Colts and then went out and pulled it off. Unitas had actually been hurt most of that season, and started the game on the bench, but was put in the game in the second half to try to jumpstart the offense. It didn't work, and the rest is history.

QBs and Roman Emperors

 
So with football season approaching and this being the month of August, I had this idea for a blog mini-series of sorts. In case you didn't know, August is named after Augustus Caesar, the first emperor of Rome; similarly, July is named after Julius Caesar. That got me thinking, what if I did a series of comparisons between NFL quarterbacks and Roman emperors? The more I thought about it, I realized it might be a lot of fun. Correction: it might be lot of fun for me. Hey I might as well attempt give something back to the community, and this blog has been about nothing so far anyway. And if you're a fan of Roman history aren't you now curious to see which QB is Caligula? Nero? Philip the Arab?

I'm gonna kick things off, pun intended, in the next post.

one legged perspective

 
So as a result of my latest ankle sprain, I spent the past week alternately getting around on crutches or hopping around on my right leg. I've been on crutches once before in high school, but this time was a lot different since my life is a lot more independent now. Not surprisingly, it was a royal pain in the ass. Flying across the country on one leg is not something I'd recommend. A low point was when I tried to hop across the security gate on my good leg, but I grabbed the gate to steady myself and set off the sensor. The security dude was like "I can't watch this, get this guy a cane", so I had to limp through the gate on a cane like I'm 97 years old.

It was a humbling experience, being helpless and sometimes dependent on strangers for assistance. You definitely see a different side of people when you pose no threat to them. I was pretty encouraged by the number of good samaritans who offered a helping hand or a sympathetic word. I found myself running errands that I probably shouldn't have tried to run in my condition, but with the expectation that random help would be forthcoming. Usually things worked out.

The one exception to kindness was creepy old dude in the building. I was hauling a bag of fruit on my crutches back to the apartment when the bag broke and I had to crawl around the ground gathering fruit. Creepy old dude, previously known for walking around half naked at wee hours, walked right past me without a word or any kind of gesture. That guy can kiss my ass.

Anyway I'm well on the road to recovery now, and I might give it a go tomorrow sans crutches. I'll take from this trial a much healthier respect for all handicapped people. There's another gentleman in my building who goes around in a wheelchair, but always seems to be upbeat and joking around. In the past I guess I'd pretty much just feel sorry for him. Now that I can somewhat appreciate the challenges he overcomes daily, I don't feel sorry for him anymore because I bet hes happier and mentally stronger than a good number of people on two legs. I do feel sorry for creepy old guy, because karma will eventually catch up to him.