what i really wanna say, i can't define

A word

2011-01-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the prolonged absence. Things have gotten busy, but rest assured I still have intentions of continuing my QB-Emperor series at some point.

Interestingly, since I wrote the last entry our friend Mr. Vick has become the hero of the biggest redemption story of the 2010 NFL season. More importantly to me, he orchestrated the biggest atrocity inflicted on D.C. since the War of 1812. Note to self: don't use QB's whose careers aren't over yet.

Caligula

2009-09-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Caligula (Gaius Caligula), reign 37 to 41 A.D.

The name itself has become synonymous with unbridled tyranny, outrageous excess, and plain old fashioned insanity. Caligula has been universally demonized and sensationalized throughout history as a monster of unparalleled depravity. To put it lightly, the dude had some problems.

As a child, Gaius was bestowed the nickname Caligula ("little boot" or "half-boot" in Latin), by Roman soldiers who grew accustomed to seeing him tag along on campaigns with his father, the legendary commander Germanicus.

Upon the death of Tiberius, Caligula shoved aside Tiberius' grandson Gemellus, who was supposed to be co-emperor, and began his short but infamous reign. It started out well enough, with acts of charity, gifts to the people, and a bold announcement of plans to conquer Britannia. The Roman people rejoiced, and were glad to be rid of the unpopular Tiberius. A few months in, however, Caligula was gripped by a serious illness, possibly the result of a nervous breakdown. After that episode, things started going downhill. Caligula became mad with power and demanded to be treated as a living god. The tales of his dementia are well-known; He forced the soldiers gathered for the invasion of Britain to gather seashells on the beach to bring back to Rome as plunder (possibly untrue). He tried to make his favorite race horse a consul. He banged his sisters. He had a bridge of ships constructed so he could ride the horse across the Bay of Baiae. He made senators' wives partake in palace orgies and then sold them off as prostitutes to raise money. Creative methods of fund raising aside, the treasury was heavily depleted during his reign. So naturally there were random arrests and seizures of property based on supposed treason charges. At least victims could count on a a fair trial...or not. Usually the judicial process was a circus. And by that I mean the accused were fed to wild beasts while people watched. At one point when he ran out of "criminals", he ordered the spectators at one of his circuses to be thrown to the lions to satisfy his blood lust.

After three and a half years of this tomfoolery, Caligula had no more friends left in Rome. He was assassinated in a plot led by the commander of the Praetorian Guard, who had been a favorite target for humiliation. He died at the age of 28, younger than his quarterback counterpart:

Michael Vick

There really is only one choice in this comparison. We all know the story of Michael Vick. A legend at Virginia Tech. Possibly the most captivating prospect in NFL history. A career marked initially by spectacular highlights and inconsistency. And a dramatic fall from grace following revelations of his dogfighting activities that sent shockwaves of horror across the nation, reaching many who had never watched an NFL game. Deservedly nor not, it's hard to find an athlete today who conjures up feelings of public outrage quite like Mike Vick. Was he as bad as Caligula? As far as I know, Vick never had homeboys thrown into the ring if he was running out of dogs. Of course, it is impossible to try to compare the respective transgressions of two people who lived in such different eras - it's hard to imagine the average ancient Roman getting worked up over dogfighting when there were actual humans getting disemboweled by lions and tigers for sport on a regular basis.

To be sure, the comparison hinges mainly on the public perception of two demonized figures. The average person will know little about the legacy of Caligula outside of his celebrated insanity, just as Vick's place in the public mind will most likely always be centered on his indiscretions in the world of canine combat. At least Vick is getting a second chance, so he's got that going for him.

a bit of a break from the norm

2009-08-31T00:14:00.000-07:00

It's recently come to my attention that the contents of this blog are somewhat limited in appeal. So in an effort to reach out to neglected but valued readers, I'm opening things up a bit. Plus I figured it'd be a good time to take a break from the mini-series (don't panic, it'll be back). So without further ado, by request:

Two Turtles

Off the coast of California, a great migration is underway. Mating season for loggerhead sea turtles is approaching, and adult turtles are heeding a primal call to set off on one of the most amazing journeys on the planet. The beach where they were hatched is half a world away on the Australian coast, and it is there that they will return to mate and lay their eggs. It is an epic undertaking spanning over 9,000 miles of open sea, and one that is only partially understood by those outside of the close-knit turtle community. Human scientists have tried for decades to figure out how and why exactly these remarkable creatures navigate their way across the globe. The only thing that is for sure is that their inborn spirit of adventure is an inspiration to us all.

But two turtles did not make the journey...

“Why are we watching Ninja Turtles again?"

"It's on pretty much every station."

"Man, and it's all reruns during migration season."

[flipping channels]

"Hey, did you hear Phil got robbed in the Galapagos?"

"No shit."

"Yeah, komodo dragons got him."

"That whole area has gone downhill. I heard eggjackings are way up too."

[moment of silence]

“All right, I'll ask because I know we're both thinking it. There are beaches everywhere. I'm pretty sure they're not that different. Why do we as a species have to swim to Australia to get laid? Do you know what the underwater traffic is like in Polynesia this time of year?"

"It's society. They'll think of you as less of a turtle if you don't do it. Don't even get my dad started on his migratory trips 'back in the day'. He acts like nobody ever spent 3 months in the large intestine of a sperm whale."

"I know right. Hey I ran into Stan the other day, and that eel said he was gonna get you. What did you do?"

"Yeah he's pissed because I borrowed his ipod and erased some of his crap and put a bunch of Sufjan Stevens songs on it. Not my fault he has terrible taste in music. Also I ate a bunch of his kids."

"You better watch out man. He's friends with some sharks."

"Yeah only because he sells them weed."

[long silence]

"Seriously his playlists were the worst. It was like a sprinkling of top 40 and the rest was really angry death metal. It was kind of disturbing actually, that guy has some problems."

"Hey look Amazing Race is on."

"Amazing race: what a joke. There's barely any swimming in this so-called 'race'. Wake me up when these idiots learn to navigate by attuning their brains to the electrical currents of the earth's magnetic field. Go back to Ninja Turtles."

In just one year these two turtles will have reached physical maturity. Then they will take part in a ritual dating from time immemorial and make the incredible odyssey across the Pacific Ocean to their ancestral breeding grounds. Not long after, on a secluded beach, a new generation will spring to life out of eggshells and begin the next great wave of reptilian seafaring. We may never understand it, but that’s what sea turtles do, and that’s why we love them.

The End

Tiberius

2009-08-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

Tiberius (Claudius Nero Caesar), reign: 14-37 A.D.

Tiberius was a bit of an enigma. He wasn't the the first choice for emperor, nor the second or third, but all of the successors picked by Augustus kept dying.

Thus it might seem like fate that brought Tiberius to the forefront, but ultimately he didn't get that cised for power. Personality-wise, he was a bit of a debbie downer, moody and dark. His introversion caused him to give his shady advisor Sejanus almost complete power while Tiberius went into seclusion on Capri. With Tiberius cut off from the rest of the empire, Sejanus went on a rampage rooting out supposed traitors with a network of informers.

Tiberius was known to be fairly wise and generous, and his administration ran efficiently. He was also a successful military commander in his earlier days. Unfortunately his legacy is marred by his early retirement and Sejanus' ensuing reign of terror. Shades perhaps, of another capable but QB who dipped early.

Drew Bledsoe

Ol' Drew almost had it all. Blessed with prototypical height and laser-rocket arm, Bledsoe enjoyed multiple productive seasons with the Patriots. But his Achilles heel was his statue-like immobility. Bledsoe was sacked 54 times in '99 with the Patriots, 49 times in '03 with the Bills, 49 times in '05 with the Cowboys, and in his last season, 16 times in 6 games before ignominiously giving way to the Tony Romo era.

After getting drilled by Mo Lewis in a game against the Jets in '01, Bledsoe suffered a concussion, a punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Can't say I really blame the man for walking away at age 34. Drew reportedly has a lot of interests outside of football, and he probably had had enough of eating sack lunches 3 times a week.

Additional Notes:

A sad episode of Tiberius' life was when Augustus forced him to divorce his wife Vipsania, whom he loved with a passion. For political purposes he was made to marry Julia, daughter of Augustus. They hated each other and Julia eventually became notorious for whoring it up around Rome. She was eventually exiled to the island of Pandateria, where she committed suicide.

Augustus

2009-08-04T20:17:00.001-07:00

Augustus, birth name Gaius Octavianus, reign: 27 BC to AD 14

When Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times on the Ides of March, 44 A.D., Rome had been a republic for almost five centuries. But already, the old system was on the way out. Caesar's military accomplishments and cult of personality paved the way for transition to an empire, ruled by one man.

Gaius Octavianus, great nephew of Julius Caesar, pretty much had his ticket punched for primetime when he was essentially named as the heir in the Julius Caesar's will. The Caesar name was enough to secure the loyalty of the much of the army. Nevertheless the purple toga wasn't handed to Augustus on a silver platter; he fought a war and triumphed over Marcus Antonius (Mark Antony).

He ultimately proved to be a great leader of men, and also a smart politician. He played the role of the reluctant king; he even announced that he was stepping down from power and made it look like he needed to be persuaded to assume control. By opting to seize power gradually rather than all at once, he was able to appease the aristocracy and stay around long enough to gradually break down the republican system. He was officially crowned as Augustus on January 16, 27 B.C, and would end up being one of the longest ruling emperors, dying peacefully at age 75.

Augustus is inevitably known as the man who officially transformed Rome from a republic to an empire. Which is why his NFL QB counterpart is:

Johnny Unitas

The Golden Arm, headliner of the "Greatest Game Ever Played", Johnny U was the face of NFL as it entered the modern era. He had the old school, tough guy appeal, but didn't lack a flair for the dramatic. The famous 1958 championship game is credited for launching the NFL into the mainstream consciousness. That game was a marketing success because it was a well played, down to the wire thriller that ended with Unitas leading the Colts on a game winning drive in OT.

What if, instead of Johnny U, a '50s version of Jake Delhomme was on the national stage and threw 6 picks in an anticlimactic 31-0 loss in that seminal title game? What if instead of Augustus, Julius Caesar's great nephew turned out to be a weak, corrupt shell of a ruler? We'll never know, and its probably for the best.

Additional notes:

The reign of Augustus was relatively peaceful on the frontiers in the grand scheme of history; no major territories were acquired or lost. However one of the most infamous military disasters in Roman history occurred on his watch: The Battle of Teutoburger Wald in 9 A.D. Three Roman legions, over 20,000 men total, were lured into a trap in the forests of Germania by the treacherous Arminius, a Roman military commander of Germanic origin. There they were ambushed, unable to form ranks in the dense forest, and slaughtered. The prisoners were sacrificed alive in cages to the German gods.

In that same vein, Johnny U was on the losing end of another one of the most famous games in NFL history: Super Bowl III in 1969. As we all know, Joe Namath issued a highly publicized guarantee of a Jets victory over the heavily favored Colts and then went out and pulled it off. Unitas had actually been hurt most of that season, and started the game on the bench, but was put in the game in the second half to try to jumpstart the offense. It didn't work, and the rest is history.

QBs and Roman Emperors

2009-08-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

So with football season approaching and this being the month of August, I had this idea for a blog mini-series of sorts. In case you didn't know, August is named after Augustus Caesar, the first emperor of Rome; similarly, July is named after Julius Caesar. That got me thinking, what if I did a series of comparisons between NFL quarterbacks and Roman emperors? The more I thought about it, I realized it might be a lot of fun. Correction: it might be lot of fun for me. Hey I might as well attempt give something back to the community, and this blog has been about nothing so far anyway. And if you're a fan of Roman history aren't you now curious to see which QB is Caligula? Nero? Philip the Arab?

I'm gonna kick things off, pun intended, in the next post.

cultural flavor

2009-07-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

Random ethnic observations:

- When they play "Caress me down" by Sublime on the radio here, the Spanish curse words (chingo, panochista(sp?) are bleeped out, even though its not on a Spanish radio station.

- One time, and one time only there was an Indian girl working at the Carl's Jr across the street. After I ordered, a Mexican dude came up and of course started talking in Spanish and was shocked when she didn't understand. I've never seen that girl since, which is too bad because she was kinda cute. I'm sure she got tired of everyone speaking Spanish to her though.

Then one time I was at In N Out and this dude with a thick Indian accent was trying to order a burger with no beef. Apparently they have veggie burgers, but I guess he wanted chicken or something, which they don't have. He was pretty upset and he ended up leaving without getting anything. I felt bad because his friends probably all told him how great In N Out was and that he had to check it out.

I guess the moral of these stories is that Indians at west coast based fast food joints can lead to shenanigans.

the summer of dennis

2009-06-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

So I've thrown off the crutches, but my ankle and leg are stiff from inactivity so I'm still doing the Kaiser Soze limp - except I'm obviously not faking it. I gotta say it makes me extremely anxious to be out in public in this condition. My calling card is my speed, and under normal circumstances I'm pretty confident I can outrun 95% of the general population. Now I'm like in the bottom 3% of the population, speed-wise. Every time I round a corner now I get a rush of fear. I'm always on the lookout for shady characters, or worse, large predators like mountain lions and bears. My only reassurance is that I carry around two guns at all times. And yes I am referring to my arms, not actual firearms, in case there was any uncertainty there.

Anyway the summer of Dennis is off to a similar start as the summer of George, but optimism remains high. We'll see if stupidity is also high - I laid a Jackson on the Orlando moneyline (+260) for Game 2 because I had a dream that they won. In my defense, I've been pretty bored lately.

one legged perspective

2009-05-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

So as a result of my latest ankle sprain, I spent the past week alternately getting around on crutches or hopping around on my right leg. I've been on crutches once before in high school, but this time was a lot different since my life is a lot more independent now. Not surprisingly, it was a royal pain in the ass. Flying across the country on one leg is not something I'd recommend. A low point was when I tried to hop across the security gate on my good leg, but I grabbed the gate to steady myself and set off the sensor. The security dude was like "I can't watch this, get this guy a cane", so I had to limp through the gate on a cane like I'm 97 years old.

It was a humbling experience, being helpless and sometimes dependent on strangers for assistance. You definitely see a different side of people when you pose no threat to them. I was pretty encouraged by the number of good samaritans who offered a helping hand or a sympathetic word. I found myself running errands that I probably shouldn't have tried to run in my condition, but with the expectation that random help would be forthcoming. Usually things worked out.

The one exception to kindness was creepy old dude in the building. I was hauling a bag of fruit on my crutches back to the apartment when the bag broke and I had to crawl around the ground gathering fruit. Creepy old dude, previously known for walking around half naked at wee hours, walked right past me without a word or any kind of gesture. That guy can kiss my ass.

Anyway I'm well on the road to recovery now, and I might give it a go tomorrow sans crutches. I'll take from this trial a much healthier respect for all handicapped people. There's another gentleman in my building who goes around in a wheelchair, but always seems to be upbeat and joking around. In the past I guess I'd pretty much just feel sorry for him. Now that I can somewhat appreciate the challenges he overcomes daily, I don't feel sorry for him anymore because I bet hes happier and mentally stronger than a good number of people on two legs. I do feel sorry for creepy old guy, because karma will eventually catch up to him.

here's to feeling good all the time

2009-05-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning, refreshed as usual. Its a big game 7 for the Caps, the do or die finale to an intense series. I'm not worried though. I remember that the Caps have never lost a game 7 in the playoffs. Actually they haven't even gotten to game 7 much over the course of their incredible run of 5 Stanley Cups in 7 years - they've just been too good.

Time to get dressed for work. Should I wear my 2001 Redskins Superbowl champions shirt? It always makes me smile to remember that magical year, when 6th rd draft pick Tom Brady came out of nowhere to lead the Skins to a thrilling Superbowl win over the Oakland Raiders, after handing the Cowboys a 62-3 beatdown in the NFC championship game. Little did I know that would only be a prelude to the emergence of the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Its amazing how things turned around when Snyder abruptly sold the team and moved to Madagascar to live with the lemurs. In the end I go with the '06 Superbowl shirt because I like the design better.

I sort through my closet, brushing aside my Lebron James and Chris Paul Wizards jerseys. I remind myself to get home from work tomorrow in time to see the Wizards go for yet another series clincher against the hapless Cavs. For a moment I almost feel bad that D.C. has 6 straight NBA championships and Cleveland continues to be a cesspool. I snap out of it when my phone rings. Its that Italian supermodel again - she won't stop calling. I let it go to voicemail, no time for shenanigans today.

A day at work is spent in anticipation, but pays off when the Caps prevail after a 5 goal performance from Ovechkin. I celebrate with champagne and save the bottle like I do after every big win. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of so much winning. Probably not. I make a note to myself that I need to rent out more storage space for victory bottles.

As the sweet feeling of victory envelops me, I light up a cigar and enjoy the sunset while interviews of jubilant Caps players continue in the background. One question lingers in my head: why...am i so blessed?

(Note: this has been the delusional rambling of a dangerously unstable individual. Please do not attempt to jolt him back to the real world, or he may lose what little grasp of reality he has left. If you must comment, please do so with due sensitivity to his fragile state of mind. Thank you.)

bear flu

2009-05-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of buzz about swine flu, and now it seems like they've got it under control. What I'm concerned about is that a far deadlier strain is still flying under the radar: bear flu.

Some quick facts about bear flu:

- It comes from bears, obviously; it causes flu-like symptoms for them. For humans the symptoms include slurry speech, heightened sense of smell, mauling other humans, and eating 100 lbs of food per day.

- It's transmitted by microorganisms shaped like bears, which use their powerful swimming ability to rapidly travel through the bloodstream. There is no cure for bear flu, you can only hope to contain it.

- A number of explanations for Kennedy's assassination have been posited over the years, but the new du jour theory is that bear flu did him in.

- Bear flu is the #2 threat to our nation's security, behind only actual bears themselves.

There you have it - the cat is out of the bag. Be safe.

APOCATRIP

2009-04-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

OK time to get serious for a bit.

So I'm no chicken little, but I think its time to really consider the possibility that we will be some degree of finito in 2012. You may have heard sensationalistic interpretations of Mayan and Chinese prophesies. Clearly one should take millenia-year old predictions with a grain of salt or two, but the way things are going its not hard to envision some crazy shit happening in the world sometime soon, whether it be war, famine, catastrophic climate change, deathcano, swine flu pandemic, or asteroid kablooie. But I'm not interested in expounding on that here. This is about a kickass trip to live it up before the possible daggering of humanity.

Here's the plan: sometime before December 2012 (I'm thinking late 2011-mid 2012) I'm proposing a spectacular globe-trotting trip to end all trips. All ideas will be fair game, no matter how outlandish. Lets face it, no matter what happens, the clock is ticking on our years of fun. Whatever happens in 2012, I think a kickass trip is in order if only to celebrate the twilight of youth. Even if nothing happens in 2012, it'll be the memory of a lifetime. So its basically a win-win situation. Well OK its not...unless you consider a reign of destruction over the land a winning situation.

So get your bucket lists ready. There will be nothing held back on Apocatrip. We may go to Kilimanjaro. We may go to Everest. We might go to space. There really are no boundaries here. I mean if we're travelled out/broke, we might just hold a month long bacchanalia of merry making and feats of strength in someone's yard.

Finally, in case you think this is all in jest, let me assure you that Apocatrip is a very real and serious idea. If you're interested in submitting meekly to old age and/or impending global upheaval, this will not be for you. If you're interested in meeting these things headlong, get your passport and parachute ready and prepare for glory!

playoffs, etc.

2009-04-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Well another playoff season has begun, and its business as usual for D.C. sports fans. No worries about getting owned by the Cavs again because the Wiz have been finito for months, Meanwhile the lone posteason D.C. team, the Caps, are down 0-2 to the 7th seed Rangers. Here's a sobering thought: we are approaching the very real possibility of both Philadelphia and Cleveland winning a championship within a year of each other. But that is getting into signs of the apocalypse, which is a rant for later, so I digress.

Really, there is no point in dwelling on the negative. It was 93 degrees today. I went outside, soaked up the sun, saw ridiculous numbers of hot California girls in summer clothes, and took deep breaths of air with little fear of allergy retribution. Life's not bad, all things considered. I mean, why concern myself anymore with games going on 3,000 miles away?

OK but seriously though, pray that we get Blake Griffin. I'd be willing to chip in on some kind of slush fund so we can rig the lottery like they did for NY with Ewing.

love hurts

2009-04-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

So there is a phenomenon that I feel like I should bring up. I listen to the radio whenever I'm in the car, which is inevitably fairly often in L.A. And its been impossible not to notice how often they play "Love Hurts" by Incubus. I'd say the odds are about 95% that the song comes on if i'm in the car for more 20 minutes. At this point its not even overplayed - its just a part of driving, like traffic lights and stop signs. There has to be a sociological explanation behind this. And there is no way I'm the only one who has noticed this, unless everyone in this city is living in some kind of matrix, and "Love hurts" is the glitch that only I can hear. Yeah...i'll go ahead and run with that scenario.

TV news of note

2009-03-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

As i mentioned I've been watching a lot of TV in my spare time and becoming indoctrinated in the HD experience. It really is a television renaissance for me. Just in the last week or two:

- I've discovered the Palladia channel, which is pretty much just music and recorded footage of live concerts. Awesome. There are a lot of pop segments; I've seen All American Rejects, Maroon 5, and Avril Lavigne, but the other day they did a Led Zeppelin montage, which was incredible.

- The show Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel. This dude Andrew Zimmern just travels around to different parts of the world sampling the best of their crazy cuisine. Sometimes it gets a little nuts, like when he ate chowder cooked in fish sperm (I think that was in Maine), but for the most part he's just eating awesome fresh local fare. And an unexpected source of humor is that he practically has an orgasm every time he eats something good. The fact that hes a bit large makes it that much better. I mean this guy really hit the jackpot in life. You should have seen him relish that fish sperm chowder.

- History Channel battle documentaries. They break down famous battles throughout history like Gaugamela, Waterloo, Battle of the Bulge. There are actors who re-enact certain characters and events, but the best part is the computer-animated battle sequences. It definitely beats reading convoluted descriptions of battle positions and movements that can be confusing to non-military people - books can be frustrating in that way - I mean we've all been there, am I right? Probably not.

- PLANET EARTH IS RE-AIRING SUNDAYS

- Last but not least, apparently Dhani Jones has his own show where he travels the world and challenges people of different cultures to duels or something. I haven't seen it yet, but obviously that will change soon.

And with March Madness ramping up its needless to say my plate is pretty full for the rest of the month. Time to carve out a nice ass groove in the couch.

Oscars

2009-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

I watched the Oscars this year, like a good Angeleno. Some thoughts:

- Bringing out the award winners from past years was cool, but when Sophia Loren came onscreen I quickly realized the downside of HD. They should have just used that hologram technology to beam an image of her from 1960.

- I loved the Indian music guru who was accepting awards for Slumdog (AR Rahman, who was definitely deserving because Slumdog's soundtrack was sick). In his second acceptance speech he said something like "All my life I've had a choice between love and hate. I chose love." Now that's a great line. I'm just wondering what would have happened if he had chosen hate? Would he be plotting to blow up the Oscars instead of winning them? Would he have only composed evil sounding music? Somebody needs to make a movie about this guy's life.

- How did Wolverine get to host the Oscars?

- I'm not embarrassed to admit that I thought the guy who played Frost Nixon was the grandfather from Little Miss Sunshine up until I just looked it up on IMDB. This was almost as bad as when I was adamant that the queen in 300 was Jan Levinson. Not only am I color blind, apparently I'm face blind.

- On a similar note, it was killing me because I couldn't remember anything that Amy Adams has been in. Then I looked her up and realized she was purse girl from The Office. If not for that, I would still be drawing a blank.

- I'm a big Slumdog fan, and self-proclaimed friend of the Indians. I think bringing the kid actors to the show was a good move. Kids are always good karma - what are they gonna do, make a bunch of kids cry in front of the whole world? Kurt Warner should have agreed to get his kids puppies, then maybe Santonio Holmes' foot lands out of bounds. Makes perfect sense to me.

office shenanigans

2009-02-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

Today was maybe the closest I'll ever get to working at Dunder Mifflin. It was the CEO's birthday, and we had the expected festivities with food and cake. Good times, then back to work right? Except then a Marilyn Monroe impersonator shows up, totally in character and in a full-on white dress. But I'm still at work...I think?

So anyway, we're all gathered around in the conference room and the CEO walks in beet-red with Marilyn draped around him. She was a money Marilyn Monroe, to be sure. She had the breathy voice, tig ol bitties, the whole shebang. And she was hotter than the stripper from The Office. She put on like a half hour show, and was dishing out love to the dudes in the room, most of whom are married. I'll admit that I was pretty much a deer in the headlights - one minute I'm looking at spreadsheets, the next Marilyn Monroe is singing 2 inches from my face while I'm standing there slack jawed clutching a plastic plate. I literally just stood there stunned. Altogether she did the whole "Happy birthday Mr. President" thing, did a couple of numbers to involve the audience, and wrapped up with "Diamonds are a girl's best friend". Just your standard office birthday party.

God bless laid back California workplaces.

shopping

2009-02-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

Continuing on the food theme, it can be hilarious seeing what dudes buy at the supermarket. Nowadays I usually cook fresh meat and vegetables whenever I eat at home, or I'll have leftovers from the night before. If I ever get to the point that I'm so busy I have to microwave packaged dinners all the time, I'll probably have to re-evaluate my life. I've tried some of the frozen meals from Trader Joe's people rave about, and they sucked. Sorry.

Anyway I was at the supermarket yesterday and the guy before me literally bought 15 bags of candy. Since Halloween is about 8 months away, I'm really hoping he was a teacher and buying it for all the kids...in the entire school. The only other thing in his cart was like 3 cases of Perrier, which was classic. Maybe drinking Perrier gives him a sense of refinement while he's savaging a bucket full of of York Peppermint Patties. I notice this kind of thing all the time. I get that a lot of people don't have the time to cook or the money to get good food, but how many Lean Cuisines can you really stomach until your taste buds just openly revolt? I might start a blog just about ridiculous things people load up on at the supermarket. I don't know, maybe its that there are so many health conscious food places in L.A. that only slobs shop at regular supermarkets.

I promise the next post will not be about food.

the golden age of lunch

2009-02-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

For those who love food, a new job brings along with it the exciting prospect of scoping out lunch places in the area. A go-to lunch place is as crucial to food enthusiasts as a comfortable office space, a boss that treats you well, or even a job itself.

My last job before I moved out west was in downtown Silver Spring. In those days I went out to eat almost every day, so a solid, diverse rotation was imperative. Fortunately there was a decent number of options in the area. The chain fare at Chipotle, Chick-Fil-A, Baja Fresh was rounded out by more unique places like Eggspectations, Thai market, Negril, and Mi Rancho. Whole Foods was good for a soup on a cold day. And the quirky place we called our own was the Indian buffet that opened below a few months before I left. You'd be correct in asssuming that I squeezed in a lot of full meals there while I had the chance.

I never fully appreciated it while I was there, but those were the golden days of lunch. Now that I'm no longer enjoying free boarding and home cooked meals on the house, the days of going out to lunch 4-5 days a week are over. I still plan to allow myself 2.5 days a week on average, the other days I make sandwiches from meat and cheese from the Italian deli - I can't lower myself to eating prepackaged supermarket lunch meat at this point.

So having been here about a month I've started to piece together a rotation. I work on Ventura Blvd, which is pretty much the Rockville Pike of the valley. At this point, a few legit contenders have emerged:

1. The Pita Kitchen

My number one seed right now - I make sure to hit this place every week. Its an unassuming Middle Eastern joint on Ventura and Van Nuys hidden by a newstand, but popular, and for good reason. The lamb shawarma is good enough that I haven't even tried the kebab yet because I can't talk myself out of the shawarma. And the service is lightning fast. I predict a long and meaningful relationship with Pita Kitchen. Another bonus is that its probably the healthiest of my current options, since the pitas have actual vegetables.

2. The Infield

The Infield is one of those concepts that makes you upset because you lived so much of your life without it. In this case, it is an outdoor hot dog stand on Ventura that plays sports radio, has a token seating section composed of real stadium bleachers and seats, and offers great daily deals like 2 dodger dogs, fries, and a drink for $5. And of course the dogs are good - how could they NOT be good at a place like I just described? I go here for a grease fix, enjoy the weather, and take in some Lakers talk.

3. In & Out Burger

Yes, there is an In&Out within walking distance of my office. The other day I walked in after a frantic morning/afternoon where I wasn't able to go out for food until 3 pm. I ordered a 4X4 animal style and wolfed that sucker down in about 30 seconds. If I could put into words the feeling I got from setting my sights on that 4-patty monster after hours of anticipation, I'd be doing this for a living.

4.???

So far I haven't been blown away by any of the other options. I'd heard good things about Poquito Mas, but I wasn't that impressed. There is a Taco Bell across the street, a Subway down the street, and a somewhat overpriced Japanese grill close by. I group all of these into the wild card category - only options in the event that my mainstays get overplayed. Of course there are other places I haven't tried, and another gem may emerge. Time will tell. Time will tell.

how i spent two hundy on a chair

2009-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I recently moved into an apartment in North Hollywood. Buying furniture and household items has been a slow, gradual pain in the ass. Shopping for things you've never shopped for, figuring out where to put everything, assembling crap - all not strong suits. Anyway I'd been putting off buying a chair and desk for a couple weeks, but I'd had my eye on this particular chair at IKEA. I knew it was perfect for my small room and perfect for my shaky back. Every time I went to IKEA, I made a beeline for this chair and I'd lean back in it, spin around in it, and just generally have a ball. Here it is, the Markus. It features a high back, headrest, lumbar support, a sweet reclining action, and the key to my heart.

At first sight I had qualms about spending $200 on a chair, but after sitting in it I knew it was inevitable that it would be mine someday. I started daydreaming about the chair and rationalizing the purchase. A comparably baller chair would be more expensive elsewhere. I can afford it and I deserve it. Its good for my health. Even if its dubious IKEA quality it'll last a while because I'm not fat - and if i do get fat, what is more hilarious than a chair breaking under the weight of a fatty? I can only dream of making such a contribution to comedy. And so on, and so forth. So today I marched into IKEA of Burbank, battled the last wave of doubts, and made the purchase. It came down to a few questions:

A. Weeks, months, and years from now would I ever regret spending $200 to sit like a king?
B. Do I want to spend the time and effort to look for another chair and live with the memory of the one that got away?
C. Is there any reason I couldn't sit in the chair for hours and tap my fingers together like Mr. Burns while staring out my balcony door window?

The answer to all those questions was no, so I brought Markus Naslund home. I still don't have a desk yet, but after I put the chair together I just sat in it for like 10 minutes, wallowing in my self-indulgence. I'm happy with my decisions, and with my rationalizations.

Next blog post: How I talked myself into spending 2 G's on a pet monkey.

birds going nuts

2009-01-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

I've had mixed feelings about birds over the years. I hated birds when I was a kid. Apparently when I was young I used to cry and scream when flocks of birds approached. Anything with wings just did not sit well with me -I hated planes also, and still do. Anyway one of the strangest childhood memories I still harbor happened when for some reason I had to go to this humongous church to take part in a choir practice. This church had a skylight like 100 feet high that we were placed directly under. The problem for me was that for some reason they had been showing previews for "The Birds II" recently, and I literally have never been more terrified by a movie trailer in my life. I've never seen "The Birds" or "The Birds II" to this day, but from what I can gather its about birds going insane and attacking humans. At this age the idea of that happening completely freaked me out. For like a week all I could think about was bird attacks. And then here at this church, you could see birds through the skylight windows roosting and chilling and there were even birds inside the church because it was so high. This choir practice lasted like 5 hours and the entire time all I was doing was staring up in abject terror at these birds and imagining them swooping down and clawing my eyes out. Luckily none of the little bastards spotted a mouse on the floor or something or I would have probably run out of the church screaming with piss running down my pants. Nevertheless, I will never forget the feeling I had that day. There might as well have been velociraptors pounding on the glass trying to get into the church.

On that note, welcome to my NFL championship weekend preview. What does this have to do with birds? Here's the deal - there were four bird teams coming into the playoffs: the Falcons, Eagles, the Ravens, and the Cardinals. The only bird team to lose has been the Falcons, in a bird battle with the Cardinals in Round 1. The other avian teams are 5-0, including an unbelievable run last weekend when all three bird underdogs won outright on the road. Bill Simmons had a take on the situation, noting also that birds just took down a plane headed to Charlotte, where the Cards had just emerged victorious over the second-seeded Panthers. The bottom line is that for whatever reason these flying maniacs are on the rampage.

Ravens(+6) at Steelers

All of that coincides well with the fact that the Ravens are underdogs going into basically a street brawl of a game. I don't know about you, but in any street brawl I want the dude who stabbed someone to death. And just for historical reference here are the last five championship games played in Pittsburgh:

1995: San Diego Chargers 17, Pittsburgh Steelers 13 - Chargers were a decent team, led by Stan Humphries and Natrone Means (Natrone Means Business), but not a powerhouse. Steelers were favored, but bowed out to a Chargers team that went on to get annihilated by the Niners in the Superbowl, 49-26.

1996: Pittsburgh Steelers 20, Indianapolis Colts 16 - I'm just old enough to remember this game. Nobody really expected the Colts to do anything in this playoffs, but Jim Harbaugh and Co. surprised the Chargers and Chiefs and came within a hail mary pass of beating the Steelers. The hail mary actually went through the hands of Aaron Bailey - otherwise we'd be talking about 2 decades of Steeler futility in home championship games.

1998: Denver Broncos 24, Pittsburgh Steelers 21 - Probably the most excusable of the home losses here. The Broncos finally put it together with Elway and Terrell Davis and weren't your average wildcard team by a longshot. When you've got Kordell Stewart going against John Elway in a championship game and it ends up coming down to the wire, you're basically hoping for an injury or some kind of Immaculate Reception type play.

2002: New England Patriots 24, Pittsburgh Steelers 17 - This was during Tom Brady's coming out season, but Brady got hurt in the second quarter and got replaced by erstwhile starter Drew Bledsoe. Not good times when you let Drew Bledsoe enter mid-game after sitting most of the season and lead his team to a Superbowl berth on your home turf.

2005: New England Patriots 41, Pittsburgh Steelers 27 - I left for Italy the day this game happened so I can't really comment on it. I don't think there's much to say anyway except that the Pittsburgh went 15-1 that year and still ended up being New England's bitch. On a sidenote, I'll never forget leaving the house that day for the airport and Falcons at Eagles was playing on the TV. As I was stepping out the door a handicapped kid in a wheelchair came onto the field to sing the national anthem. He was struggling and putting everything he had into it and dammit if it wasn't the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen. The soldiers on the field had tears coming down and it was almost too much for me being on the verge of leaving the country for 5 months. I tried recently to find online video of that, but i think part of me didn't really want to see it again because that kid's face would haunt your dreams.

Anyway back to the point, the Steelers have sucked at home in the AFC championship game. Obviously games from like 1994 have no bearing on today, and Pittsburgh doesn't even have the same coach they did in 2005. I just like interjecting historical perspectives. As far as the upcoming matchup, I think people are making a lot out of a great performance last week against an 8-8 Chargers team that was travelling east from San Diego to play in the snow and was coming off like 6 straight win-or-die games. Also you have to take into account that numerous members of the Ravens are legitimately insane, and do things like put bounties on opposing players' heads. There's a good chance Hines Ward gets a helmet to the spine if he turns his back on Sunday. You just know that a team built like the Ravens is gonna fight, claw, and play dirty, basically do anything in this kind of game to come out on top. Steelers won both regular season games by a combined 7 pts, so I don't see any reason why this one won't come down to the wire. Its always tough to call these kinds of games since turnovers and key plays late are bound to play such a huge role. But I really do think its closer to a tossup than the line indicates, thus I gotta go with the team getting 6 pts. So I'm going with Baltimore in this one.

Ravens 19, Steelers 17

Eagles at Cardinals (+4.5)

The most disrespected bird in the playoffs has been the cardinal. They're underdogs at home in the NFC championship game, Chris Berman dogged them for tanking games, Deion Sanders said he would sell his Superbowl tickets if Arizona made it; meanwhile Magic Time just rolls on.

The thing is I don't know if I'd even take the Cardinals without all this media nonsense - the Eagles are playing great football and Kurt Warner against that blitz should and does alarm me. But here's what I think should alarm the Eagles and those betting on Philly: Arizona went across the country to face off against the well-rested champion of arguably the best division in football this year and beat their asses to a pulp. They didn't eke out a win, they friggin lowered the boom. And now they're 4.5 pt dogs in their own house. The understandable knocks on Arizona before last week were playing a soft schedule, not having impressive wins, not having a great defense, and Kurt Warner having the ground speed of a turtle in a tray of Nyquil jello. I would say only one of those is still valid at this point.

To be sure, I'm not confident about Arizona winning this one outright, but I am confident as to which team is holding the "no respect" card right now. So I'm going with the Cardinals out of principle. If they lose? Well I guess they ARE...what the oddsmakers THOUGHT THEY WERE.

Cardinals 31, Eagles 26

sometimes you just gotta make it happen

2009-01-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

So I talked about moving to California for a while, then I did it. I came out here like millions of Americans have in years past, and millions of Mexicans are still doing in years present. I might stay or I might go back at some point, I don't know. What I know is that its been in the 80s all week, and I went for a walk yesterday in short sleeves in the middle of the day and it was sunny but not quite hot enough to sweat. And I know that when I went back home to wintry Maryland for a week over the holidays, I was overrun with viruses as if my immune system was the Maginot Line circa 1940. So I'm taking that into consideration for any future plans.

Its been about five months since I drove off from North Potomac, verified that most of the country is cornfields and desert, and reached a long-awaited destination. I'm finding that life in L.A. is pretty agreeable, except when you have to drive more than 15 miles. I guess I should also be concerned that the state is running out of money, and there is always the chance the big one will hit. Since I've been here we've had one earthquake in the area big enough to make the news, but I didn't feel a thing during that one. I just missed the semi-major one in late July. Based on the due factor, I'll probably be in the shower when the next one hits. I'm thinking the absolute worst place to be in an earthquake is either on the freeway or at the zoo - the deciding factor would probably be what time of day it is. If you're on the 405 going north to the valley at like 5 in the afternoon and a quake splits the freeway in half, being torn to pieces by monkeys probably isn't such a bad alternative.

Its funny because the go-to small talk for people with nothing to talk about is always either weather or traffic, but it just sounds petty when people talk about it here, because neither ever changes really. Listening to traffic reports out here is frankly demoralizing, but I like checking the weather a lot. If I ever get a little down, I just check the weather.